Dr. Willem H. J. Martens, MD, PhD presented an article in Psychiatric Times, Issue 10 were he concluded that Psychopaths cannot have good relationships as they do not have the capacity for guilt and empathy*. Most of research psychologists explain that we have little awareness of our own brains activities.
Sigmund Freud said “It would take about a hundred years for science toaccumulate enough data to show support for his theories of the unconscious.”
Let's describe AN APOLOGY. We all know what an apology is. In fact, it’s one of the first things we learn as children. durable face how could you not forgive a child like the one in the picture. Back in those days we wanted to avoid punishments, harsh words and always got back to our parents good conducts. Though the magical word “Sorry” stands a different emotion and definition where genuinely apologising is to receive forgiveness as opposed to apologising to give something to repair.
When to apologies ?
1. When Admitting Fault : Admit to fault immediately when makingmistakes, arriving late, upsetting others, etc.
2. When Asking for Clarity : Ask for clarity when you don’t understand, can’t hear someone, when you’re shocked at what someone has said, etc.
3. When Interrupting : Ask before you want to interrupt someone, topolitely disagree, etc.
4. When Expressing Regret : Express regret when you want to acknowledge an offence or failure, when someone’s laid off, when you want to soften a negative response, etc.
5. When Expressing Sympathy : Express sympathy when someone shares unfortunate news, when someone is hurt or ill, when someone passes away, etc.
Some Philosophy
Originally the word apology comes from the Greek meaning “to offer a defence for ones beliefs or behaviours” as Socrates did at his trial. An apology can be entitled by exercising it as a defence to seek forgiveness and also as an instrument to repair ruptured relationships.
This perspective itself is a paradigm shift and we need it as we are badat relationships. Approximately 70% of our brain process is our awareness comprising of our perceptions, emotions, thoughts, feelings and motives. The part that affect our relationships the most is only 5% of that awareness and the rest is only adaptation.
From the very Beginning
The parent-infant bond is the strongest bond as compared to the oneswe share amongst adults. As we grow we tend to develop emotional maturity to make our relationships last. Our brain development gives us the ability to feel guilty and empathy unlike the psychopaths who can never really learn to care.
Everyone learns to care as our brains are dependent on learning during a critical period in childhood. Every child is thought to apologise over a misbehaviour or mistake where initially parents need themselves to learn apologising to their children. It’s accustomed for a small child to see and learn making it essential for the parents to first action it by apologising. This initiative models healthy relationships between parents and children.
We have a brain that does not understand its own awareness comprising of our personalities and flaws nevertheless affecting our relationships. We don't have an instinct for long-term bonding and we needed our parents to learn about emotional relationships that results in frequent relationship ruptures.
Solution, understandings and adaption
There are three major elements in considering means to apologise.
1) Acknowledgement:
**Example: A man very upset as he recently got into a verbal spat with his senior at office on being bluntly answering and sharing his views on the current market trends and sales report for the quarter.
Manager: “I expect an apology from you for being that blunt and over smart in answering questions after the presentation. At least look out for the attendees and behave.”
Employee: “I have not done anything wrong worth an apology as I was sharing them facts and overall the nobody was really interested in the revenue generated nor were they actively listening to the presentation.”
Now the problem is the employee would not acknowledge any wrongdoing. One major reason why he had difficulty in managing the employee relationship. An acknowledgment should start with one word “I” followed by a statement of acknowledging the wrongdoing.
Correction: The employee could say “I am really very sorry for being that blunt and coming out as an over smart person that's inconsiderate. Iwill surely take a note of your suggestion in the meetings to come.”
2) An Expression of Guilt & Empathy
Everyone have experienced people who use apology to manipulateother people, like manipulating them back into the relationship.
**Example: A young boy driving his new SUV happened to bump into acar ahead of him at the traffic signal. The driver from the car ahead was upset such reckless behaviour.
Man (who’s car was hit): “What reckless behaviour! You just happened to dashed my car. Look at the damage done.”
Boy (driving SUV): “Okay sorry I hit that piece of junk you call a car. Because your car broke down soon before the traffic signal turned green.I personally believe nothing is above money.Now take this cash as damage reimbursement and give way.”
The man didn't know what to say but the truth is that the money given to him may be enough to fix the damage on his car but only an apology from the boy showing is wrongdoing was enough. But the boy arrogantly used money to pay off for his recklessness. Here the boy doesn't have the capacity for guilt and empathy.
Correction: “ Please accept my apologies to have recklessly crashed your car. I should have been patient for sometime before accelerating. I remember how it felt when my father dented his favourite car, it was horrible. I promise to be driving responsibly on the streets.”
3) Feeling of Restitution
CASE I: Personal Relationship
**Example: A boy was agitated as his father caught him sneaking out the car without prior permission and holding a valid drivers license. Hisfather was still angry on him even after repeated apology.
Boy: “ I am sorry for sneaking out the car Paa. I didn’t go far for a drive asif feel the car is an antique and could break into pieces anytime. Buy me a new car once I join college. Please.”
Something the boy completely failed to understand, he had to negotiate a fair reconciliation argument with his father. Above all his father will let go that behaviour by a certain amount of time had the boy not demeaned his fathers vehicle and demanded a new one. The boy needs to be more attentive, understanding, rebuilding trust by working to be a better person.
CASE II: Business Relationship Example
A similar model in a business relationship by rebuilding trust andrestitution when there's a service or a product failure.
Business Owner: “I know you're upset because of this issue. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I am going to work making sure to get this right until you're completely satisfied. That's not enough I'm going to give you something extra special to show you how much you mean to us as a customer.”
An apology should be effective and responsive. When you are done reading the bog and you happen to bump into somebody in the day, you share a polite apology with a smile.
By now you must be thinking what if you went through the complete process right from acknowledgment, guilt and empathy to restitution. The person you bumped into might punch you even before you decide to say sorry. So, I mention apologies as Dose Effective I mean the appropriations. When mentioned about Dose Effective Apology there's also exists Apology Timings. Everyone has experienced the late apology for it to be effective. It should be as soon as possible afterthe wrongdoing. Our history is filled with examples of late apologies.
**Example from the year 1633
Galileo is called before the Inquisition as he's charged with non-belief and the threat of being tortured to death. He had to take back his theory that the Earth goes around the Sun. He plead guilty and was then sentence of house arrest for the rest of his life. Well in 1992 the Vatican officially apologises Galileo for his theory is true, too late to do him any good.
Don't wait any longer and practice the Dose Effective Timely Apology which is the right mix of acknowledgement guilt and empathy and a fair restitution you'll be empowered to help repair ruptured relationships. If we all do more that we'll be empowered to help repair the world and that would be agiant step.
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